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"GAY PIRATE"

"Look, It's a giant cock!"

"I don't need to talk to you. I'll see you plenty when I'm dead (jay to devil guy)"

"Honey, can I smack you on the ass for Jay?" "We are not doing that"

"I don't even have to change the name!"

"Is there a mosquito in the room?"

"Please don't take me in for a Public Intoxication"

"Hey, Darth Vader" "Bullshit, It's Drunk Vader"

Graduation 2005

"Jay, where's the tequila!"

"B-Mac's here, let's take a shot"

"B-Mac's dad's here, let's take a shot"

"Give me your wallet." "Here's my credit card." "And your cash!"

"Lets make Jay do a keg-stand"

"Lets make the neighbor do a keg-stand"

"Doing keg-stands was a bad idea"

N'Awlins 2005

Note Not too many details - THE CODE

"N'Awlins Bitches!"

"Puke N' Rally"

"Dude, its Burket, in 20 years!"

"Harold and Kumar, you guys rock... lets go to Whities"

"Andrew Bogut!"

"Jake is the man!"

"You took a shower for 6 HOURS!"

"Why is my bed all wet?!"

"Cajuns talk funny"

Wicks/Flannagans/O'Sheas

"Hey look, a lamp post. Skeet, skeet, skeet"

"What's Chinese for Jager-bomb?"

"Wes, those guys are trying to punk you out!"

"Hey ladies, you like a man in uniform?"

"I knew her name at the time."

"It's okay, it's his wife!"

"Let's go to Spinnelly's!" (not quite sue how to spell it)

"I don't love dem hoes!"

"I know you just heard this song, but I thought you might like to hear it sung right."

"Half way to Bekah!"

"You're old, but I'd do you."

"This is Jennifer." "My name isn't Jennifer." "It doesn't matter."

"I can stop drinking any time I want to."

"I like it up the pooper!"

"Hey Rachael, can I titty-f*** you?"

"Bekah what? Bekah please!"

"She loves the sausage."

"Anybody want to hear any Special Olympics jokes?"

"Excuse me, my friend broke a glass (grass breaks) ... make that two glasses."

"Her name is MARY!"

"Carpet Munchers!"

"What's wrong with her? She a smoker?" "Worse, she wanted to dance."

"Guys make fun of each other, that's how we bond." "You said bond, FAG!"

"Did you just puke in the bathroom? No, I just took a wicked shit"

"She's hot. Yeah, she is probably going to go take a shit."

"Do you think you can handle sixteen inches? Yeah, but I will settle for six."

"Dude, tell her about the website."

"Do you know what a jelly donut is?"

"You should always cross your fingers"

"Mr Kerry, tell me about your plan for America!"

"Six inches!? I'm this close!"

"Is that on the menu?"

"Do you think she likes you? She works for tips, we may never know."

"Elizabeth, you're so hot!"

"We'll give you a ride home. All the way home!"

"Once? Two or three times!"

"It's gonna be a LONG time until I get to come back to O'Sheas... Friday at the earliest."

"You look like Korean Pop star!"

"Did she say poon tang?"

"She thinks I'm funny." "Well we have rung up a $200 bar tab."

Burket's Got A House

"Best New years eve ever!" (said on July 4th, 2004)

"Dare you to eat that moth"

"Do you mind if I take a bath?"

"Joe, why do you have glitter all over your face?"

"Marriage sucks!"

"I just popped your tequila cherry!"

"I'm gonna go pee on the garage."

"Dad? Who the f***'s dad?"

Natty Sci on Sex

"If Jennifer Lopez had a dick, I'd suck it to have sex with her."

"Seriously guys, I'm not straight."

"First time I came out of a woman was in a bathroom, first time I came in a woman was in a bathroom"

"OWWW! My legs don't bend that way!"

"if by notion you mean my penis"

"Did you see the Britney Spears Special?" "Did I see it?! I had to kick the dog off the couch."

Adrian's Favorites

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Hey fat boy, you fat piece of s***!"

"Hey, ICE....MAN!" (Big Red spills)

"I didn't say they were cock suckers, I said they were acting like cock suckers. But they are cock suckers."

"Hey ladies, where are you going? Mollys. Looks like we are going to Flanagans then"

"Marc LOVES the cock!"

"This one's for Adrian. And this is for me." "Who's Adrian?" "It doesn't matter. Turn around!"

"hey you wanna do it?"

"Hey Jay, why don't you rub one off!"

"You lied to me!" "Yeah, so... kiss me!"

Bellarmine Antics

"I may be a pussy cat, But I will scratch!" (Not really a sci quote, but awsome none the less)

"Jay, slam your head off my dashboard." "Ok." (Brakes slammed)

"Are you male or female?"

"Hot Bacon Grease!"

"Dr. Ahmad's daughter!" (I never said I loved her)(Yes you did, I have an actual recording of it!)(Not to her face!)

"We don't let Koreans in here, anyway!"

"Dude, turn the thermostat all the way down!"

"Bob doesn't have any batteries Dr. Holt!!!"

"If he yells at me again, I'll break his fucking arms so he can't roll around!"

"Guys! Come here! You have to look at this!"

Phoenix Hill/Bar/Jillians... When They Were Cool

"Dude, thats Bob Dominie. Dude, Bob Dominie's hitting on Miranda. Dude, you're OLD! You're OLD! You're like 50 years OLD!"

"Excuse me, my friend's trying to have a conversation"

"I fucked your mom in the ass" (Said to an army guy)

"Aren't you a chemistry major?" "F*** YOU!"

"Okay, I'll stopping drinking when we get there, and I'll drive home."

"Can I have your autograph Mr. Big Show?" "You messed up my game!"... "Dude, I kicked the Big Show's ass!"

"So how long have you two been together?" "I just met her 15 minutes ago!"

Wes' Stud Years

"Cory, the guys want me to tell you that you have a nice rack, but i'm not going to do it."

"Do you want me to stop?" "No, I don't want to inconvenience you."

"I think that was number four." "Five!"

"I just want a girl who likes me for me (girl walks by with THO, wes does "the turkey is done" gesture) BINK!

Lexington

"I want the Funkhouser sign!"

"Let's steal the Lions"

"Did you touch her ass?" "Dude, that's awesome, you comin' to stand up for your girl. Especially to a big guy like this, thats awesome." "Yeah" "You are cool guy, standin' up for the girl like that!"

"I think thats a porno... yep... I see a nipple!"

Hell Wednesday

"Marc is running at an incredible rate in the chair!"

"Hey, lets act like we're gonna punch Jay when he comes through the door" "Dude, guys, why would Jay knock? Its probably the police." "I wouldn't do that if I were you, son!"

"We need to pour out all the liquor!" (Dumbest quote of all time)

"I'm gonna eat your eye!"

Marcus Brody's Birthday

"I keep drinkin', but my glass is always full!"

"Thats funny, I always thought you were a tightass!"

"Bambi, you lying slut"

Daytona Trip

"My girlfriend needs a glass of water." "The Taco Bell is open." "Thanks alot, ASS!"

"Brock, why don't you just not drink tonight." "Uh....no"

"What are you guys looking for with the flashlights on the beach?" "Most people are looking for crabs and stuff, we're just looking for water."

"I'll drink 4 shots of whiskey for every shot of pure-grain you drink."

"How old are you?" "14" "Bye"

"Can I have a quarter?" "I've only got a dollar" "A dollar would kick my ass" "Did you say I could kick your ass for a dollar" "What'd I say?" "You said I could kick you ass for a dollar, but I could do that for free."

"Amityville! Amityville!"

"So you're from Pittsburgh? We get all your shit in the river!"

"So you're from Indiana? Indiana is dirty! Dirty Indiana!"

"Look guys, I found a putter!" (tosses putter into pond)

"I'll karoake only if its Christina Aguleira"

"Hey Amityville!" "Fuck You asshole!"

The Truman Years

"That move's illegal!"

"Get off my fuckin' computer!"

"Dude, she's the girl I'm going to marry. No, seriously this time!"

"Do you need me to pull over?" "No I'm fine. Jay open the f***ing door!"

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go... but if y'all want to come over and play some video games... but I'm gonna go."

"Ok, seriously, I'm gonna go... you guys are more than welcome to come over"

"Ha Ha! That's funny. But I gotta take off now."

"Mr. Truman, is Lee here?" "GRRRRRR" "No? Can we come in and play video games?" "GRRRR" "Do you want to join us?" "GRRR-GRRR"

"Let's play 99 lives."

"That was a kick-ass leg-drop, Wes"

"Goddamn Red October!"

House-Sitting Events

"I can't have sex with a penguin, they're too cute!"

"I had sex with a Rhino at Headliners."

SillyHos

"You're drinking, You're gay. You're sitting down, You're gay, You're watching TV, you're gay!"

Steak 'N Shake/Denny's/O'Charley's/White Castle/Wendy's

"Incest is best! It's okay, he's my brother."

"You like chicks, huh? I like chicks too."

"You can't say pussy. Say cooter!"

"Wait, who's crazy with a K?"

"It felt good when I was doing it!"

"Remember the guy with the mullet? Wait, we were just talking about that weren't we?"

"I'm not hungry. Give me ten chicken sandwiches." (Crazy Canadian exchange rate)

"Fucking Beantowners"

"Are you trying to race a Civic?"

"Katie, I was this close to kissing you!"

"If you just ask him i bet you can give him a blow job"

Intramural Goodness

"You should be used to losing from the past four years!" "Bulls***, seven!"

"I'm gonna chop block you!"

"With the speed of a crazed buffalo..." (You know the rest)

"Guys, I can't deal with Brock's violence. I'm quitting the team." (Followed by absolute silence)

"Why don't you let us ref the game?"

"Hike the fu_king ball (mug in the head)"

"How 'bout you get your head out of your ass before your neck gets snapped!"

"No one is looking at you. Trust me."

"Hey, are you Korean?"

"My favorite Lindsay Lohan movie was the parent trap, because there are two of them. And they're 12."

"Hey Habib! Where's your camel?"

"I'll give you my number on one condition. You never use it."

Weddings

"Shoot it all over her." -- The quote was more like "Put it all over her face"

"I smell smoke." "It's probably those candles." "Nope, it smells more like...yup, there's a fire" (Jay from the back)"IT'S A SIGN!"

"I'll give you $20 if you can fit the words "god damn" in the best man toast."

"JAY! <snap> Get over here!" "Okay Mrs. Goodloe."

"Please don't kick my ass Mr. Goodloe."

"DOUG, YOU CAN TALK TO THEM AT THE RECEPTION. GRRRRR."

"My whole universe is collapsing"

New Years 2005

"Play it again (singing)"Fuck Daryl..." "Yeah, FUCK Daryl."

"Hey Fort Worth, the song's over shutup."

"if you dress like that, you're saying you want to get fucked."

"I don't want to have sex with her, I just wanna skeet in her hair."

(singing)"There's a girl named Jennifer that I want to fuck in her ass..."

"Brock, why does everything come back to gay sex with you?"

"Why don't you go rub one off and go to bed!"

"I think Dallas is going to go cry."

"Jay's gonna rub one off in Joe's bed."

"Drink out of the champagne bottle, its tradition! Bastard!"

"Hey Joe, I dare you to eat [insert disgusting item here]"

Trip to Cincinnati for Chris Burket's 26th Birthday

"I left my wallet and I.D. in Louisville"

"Why are you staring at me? is my dick showing?"

"Chris, Give me a t-shirt."

"Give me a shirt... not a Pepsi"

"What's the difference?"

(Holding a can of Pepsi-cola) "How is this NOT a shirt?"

"That's a scrub shirt... not a t-shirt. I gave you a t-shirt" (pointing to can of Pepsi-cola)

Random Quotes

"Why does everyone think I'm a hippie? The only hippie bands I listen to Rusted Root, The Grateful Dead, Phish..."

"I'm doing this for you."

"I think we need to get to know each other better first."

"Best sex ever!" (Best line never said)

"I said you look fat in your pants!"

"this one time at krazy camP I stuck myself with a tree. check out marc's sexy chest " (see http://www.nattysci.com/displaypost.aspx?Post=41#2356 )

"I'm gonna be your new daddy!"

"I gotta go jog!"

"What are you gonna do? Stay home and f*** your girlfriend? What are you, a fag?"

"Oh, that's going on the website."

"Illegal fondling of the waitress. Unsportsmanlike conduct. Penalty to be assessed on bill."

"If you start calling me 'fuzzy' you'll be picking my ball hair from your teeth for months"

"Hey Jay, Why don't you pull the car around?" "Hey Marc, why don't you let me teabag you?"

"...its like she can see right through you."

"whats your last name? its not important"

"Oh, that's going in the movie!"

"...but what if she was in a coma?"

"I'm gonna snowball you."

"glazed or creme-filled?"

"They were looking at my fur!"

"Hey ladies, what's up? Hey Maura, what's going on!"

"Maine? Like the state?"

"Look, 4 chicks, there's no strike 4!"

"Oh, that's going in the trailer!"

"I've put on a lot of weight lately. But as they say, more cushion for the pushin'!"

"Every time he tells the story, the wall gets a foot higher!"

"What do you mean you don't have a goddamn high speed internet connection?"

"No change." "Hell yes I need change back!"

"Get off my car. Quit making out on my car. Hey YOU! YOU IN THE HAT"

"Dude, we waited for like 15 minutes!"

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